He Did It! It's Her Fault!

After a long day at work I was mentally and physically exhausted.  In my last hour at the office I envisioned myself walking through my front door, changing into more comfortable clothes, and hopefully winding down early for the evening.

After dinner and getting the kids going on their homework, I finally settled into a hot bath and started to relax. The silence was abruptly breached with a high-pitched, blood curdling “MOM! She said something mean to me again!” followed by obnoxious banging on the bathroom door. My kids were at it again, and this time I was over it. I simply closed my eyes and commanded, “Work it out! I’m not getting involved and I don’t want to hear about it!”

Sound familiar?

The simple truth is life can suck sometimes and kids need to be prepared for the real world. They need to learn how to handle conflict and disappointment.  Sibling rivalry is a very normal occurrence and natural behavior and all siblings will argue at some point. I’m fortunate that my kids get along for the most part, but they will occasionally provoke arguments with one another. This is usually regarding one of them making a snide comment to the other, fighting over the TV, and other petty things. But for some families, fighting siblings can become a serious issue and one that cause deep rooted ill will and even physical harm.  So the question is raised as to what level of involvement should parents have when this occurs and what are the main causes for sibling rivalry?

It’s important to understand the main reasons why siblings fight:

• Arguing over possessions
• Fighting for attention
• Parents may model fighting as a way to resolve conflict
• Kids are at different stages in emotional development (yes, age matters)
• Kids may not have learned tools to help them deal with anger

Dr. Lori Puterbaugh of Largo, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor (also known as Dr. Lori on Spirit FM radio), suggests, “If siblings are just bickering with one another and it is a safe situation [no one is at risk for harm], then I recommend that parents tell their kids to take their argument to another room where they cannot be heard so they can try to work it out themselves.”

In the real world, people need to know how to resolve conflicts and interpersonal issues so it is imperative kids learn this skill. However, it’s important for a child to know when to get a parent involved.  Puterbaugh said, “Set clear guidelines so that your kids understand when an argument with a sibling may be going too far.  It’s best for them to learn the art of maintaining good relationships in the home versus publicly at first.  A sibling will be more forgiving whereas a classmate may hold a grudge for a long time.”

And when a child argues with a parent, it is not an ideal time to try to incorporate a teaching moment.  Puterbaugh said, “When emotions are revved up, children are not able to reason as they enter into a state of fight or flight. Give them time alone to allow them to calm down before further engaging them.”

It is also acceptable for parents to coach younger children when arguments occur. Puterbaugh explained that parents can teach empathy by asking their children how an argumentative situation makes them feel or what they think about it. This helps a child realize the consequences to their actions.  

Children also learn from example. St. Petersburg parents, Jeff F. and his wife, work hard to set a good example for their blended family which consists of seven kids ages 13 to 17. Dealing with many different personalities, arguments are bound to come up between the teens.  Commenting on how setting a good example is vital, Jeff said, “Unless the arguments are out of hand or out of control, they should not be met with punitive discipline. Disagreements are a part of life, and our job as parents is to equip our kids as role models, and as coaches, to deal with disagreements, with either compromise, or standing your ground (whichever is appropriate), with calm, logic, compassion, and confidence.  At times, we as parents learn more than our kids do; they learn how to deal with conflict, we continue to learn about the importance of our role to prepare them for the future, as opposed to simply managing the present.”

Ways parents can help their kids resolve sibling rivalry:

• Model calm conflict resolution techniques
• Encourage your kids to find their own solutions
• Compliment your kids when they do get along
• Spend time with each of your kids separately
• Set household rules and apply them to everyone equally
• Know when to get involved or seek professional help

You’re not alone if your kids fight, in fact it’s normal.  Understanding why your kids are in battle mode, providing them with tools to handle arguments, and setting a good example as parents will help teach them healthy conflict resolution that will be invaluable as they grow into adulthood.

Here are some links to family therapists in the Westchase area:

• Psychotherapy Associates of Tampa Bay, 13035 W. Linebaugh Avenue, Suites 101-A & J Tampa, FL  33626, (888) 636-1306.
• Linda Peterman, 11059 Countryway Blvd # 101, Tampa, FL 33626-2628 (813) 404-3174.
• Florida Medical Psychology, 12167 West Linebaugh Avenue, Tampa, FL 33626, (813) 749-7160.