Avoiding Coercion (Negative Interactions): Part 1

In this two-part blog series we will learn about what coercion is in parenting/care-giving, why we use it, how it can negatively impact our interactions, and how to avoid it.

Coercion defined

Coercion is the act of a person trying to change another’s behavior using negative or aversive interactions (force, threats, etc.).  Coercion occurs immediately after the inappropriate behavior of your child.

Why we use it with our children and each other

We use coercion because, in the moment, it works.  If our kids are throwing a ball in the house, even though we’ve asked them repeatedly not to, when we raise our voice and yell at them, they will most likely stop (at least for a short time).  Even though coercion doesn’t typically solve problems in the long term, it does tend to stop inappropriate behavior right at that moment and that unfortunately makes us more likely to use it again.

Why we should avoid coercion

There are four main reasons that we should try and minimize our use of coercion with our children.

1. Coercion is ineffective in the long term:  It usually will stop the behavior in the short run, but it is no solution to the problem long term. In the previous example, you will likely have to continue to yell every so often in future.  You would be better off looking at ways to increase your children playing catch outdoors or playing more appropriate games indoors.

2. Monkey see, monkey do:   If you use coercion with your children, your children will be more likely to use coercion with their siblings, friends, teachers, or worse, you! 

3. Consistency:  If your children know what to expect, both of your lives will be much easier.  Coercion is used in reaction to inappropriate behavior.  Unfortunately, the size of our response usually has more to do with our own day, than it does with the child’s behavior.  For instance, we may have a different response to our children throwing the ball in the house if we just got a pay raise at work versus just getting home late from work after being stuck in traffic an extra hour due to an accident.

4. Effects:  Coercion will AGE (A-G-E) us.

•  Avoid: Our kids will try and avoid us.

•  Get even: Our kids will use inappropriate behavior back at us, most likely more coercion.

•  Escape: Our kids will escape interactions with us.  They may just zone out or do something as extreme as actually running away.

When Are We Typically Coercive?

We are typically coercive when:

·   We are tired, hungry, uncomfortable

·   We have had a bad day

·   We are frustrated with the child, another person, or something going on in our life

·   We have just been coerced by someone else

·   We encounter our “pet peeves”

·   Coercives have worked for us (short term) with similar behavior

We all use coercives with our children and other adults from time to time, even though they do not help us to solve problems in the long run.  In order to help build a positive environment filled with positive interactions with your children, notice when you use coercives or when your children act to avoid, get even, or escape.  If you see these reactions in your children, you will need to try a different way next time. 

For help developing a different way to address your child’s problem behavior feel free to contact us directly at info@bcotb.com.

For examples of 12 common coercives stay tuned for the second part of this blog, “Avoiding Coercion (Negative Interactions): Part 2.” 

References

Latham, G. (1994). Power of positive parenting: A wonderful way to raise children. North Logan, UT: P & T Ink.

Sidman, M. (1989). Coercion and its fallout. Boston: Authors Cooperative.